It’s been a long time since I have
loved you. I guess with after so many years and so many other faces, I have
somehow started forgetting how it feels to have felt for you. After all, even
intensity needs practice.
I have bartered my soul and body to
the gods of power and pleasure. It is easier to give up the purity and pain
that comes with true feeling and just submit yourself to the comfort that comes
with instant gratification. That is like a drug, and the resulting high is born
out of a feeling of power; power over another being. Another being who is
playing his/her own game and has probably no idea that he/she is being drawn
into the moves of somebody else’s game. It’s an odd paradoxical process where
the lines between the chess pieces and players are blurred beyond the point
where you and the game are one and the same.
Yes, it’s definitely been a long time.
I guess loving is also a habit, isn’t it? I don’t really know whether I have
fallen out of love, but the habit is slowly fading away. However, since old
habits die hard, maybe I have replaced that habit with so many other faces. The
moments spent with those faces help me forget.
They help me forget the utter agony of
having loved, and of having lost. They don’t matter, not in the big picture
that I keep trying to hide in my mind-closet. Maybe I feel that the sum total
of all these random moments will stuff up that gaping void. A void that I
avoid. It’s like stuffing a bag with crumpled bits of old newspaper to make it
look substantial.
A need to be touched, to be held and
to belong; even if it is for a very short time. I don’t know if my break from
you led to the birth of this need. It crosses all lines, breaks all the rules
and oversteps all the boundaries.
Sometimes, I am not even sure. Sure of
whether it’s your face behind all that’s been happening to me. That scares me
because then it leaves you blameless and me hopelessly burdened with a
character flaw that cannot be explained away. I mean, I cannot let you get away
that easily, can I?
So, tomorrow if you come back into my
life with a new light, will all of this go away? More importantly, will I be
able to hope with you again? Will I be able to fall in love with you all over?
And that is the scary part.
Because I don’t know.
Maybe I have stopped loving you but I
will never forget you.
