It’s been a long time since I have loved you. I guess with after so many years and so many other faces, I have somehow started forgetting how it feels to have felt for you. After all, even intensity needs practice.
I have bartered my soul and body to the gods of power and pleasure. It is easier to give up the purity and pain that comes with true feeling and just submit yourself to the comfort that comes with instant gratification. That is like a drug, and the resulting high is born out of a feeling of power; power over another being. Another being who is playing his/her own game and has probably no idea that he/she is being drawn into the moves of somebody else’s game. It’s an odd paradoxical process where the lines between the chess pieces and players are blurred beyond the point where you and the game are one and the same.
Yes, it’s definitely been a long time. I guess loving is also a habit, isn’t it? I don’t really know whether I have fallen out of love, but the habit is slowly fading away. However, since old habits die hard, maybe I have replaced that habit with so many other faces. The moments spent with those faces help me forget.
They help me forget the utter agony of having loved, and of having lost. They don’t matter, not in the big picture that I keep trying to hide in my mind-closet. Maybe I feel that the sum total of all these random moments will stuff up that gaping void. A void that I avoid. It’s like stuffing a bag with crumpled bits of old newspaper to make it look substantial.
A need to be touched, to be held and to belong; even if it is for a very short time. I don’t know if my break from you led to the birth of this need. It crosses all lines, breaks all the rules and oversteps all the boundaries.
Sometimes, I am not even sure. Sure of whether it’s your face behind all that’s been happening to me. That scares me because then it leaves you blameless and me hopelessly burdened with a character flaw that cannot be explained away. I mean, I cannot let you get away that easily, can I?
So, tomorrow if you come back into my life with a new light, will all of this go away? More importantly, will I be able to hope with you again? Will I be able to fall in love with you all over? And that is the scary part.
Because I don’t know.
Maybe I have stopped loving you but I will never forget you.